I feel lost. I feel bogged down and exhausted by trying to manage a guild. I feel sapped not just of my energy, but also of my optimism, my confidence, and the abilities I had that propelled me to excellence before. 

Managing a guild has been a constant grind of balancing the needs and desires of a bunch of people, most of whom believe their ideas are the only right ones. It’s been regularly taking hits of a personal nature: “the way you talk annoys people”, “the way you do things no wonder people would leave”, “your way may work for pugs, but it’s causing us to fail”. And then, managing a guild so far has meant I have given up all selfish and personal needs (beyond the needs like resting to maintain sustainability week in and week out), and having those I work for repay me by acting selfishly and hurting me and our guild. After all, they say, “sorry, I know this hurts you, but I want to make sure I’m happy more”.

Managing a guild has made me hate people.

So I ask myself. Where am I going? What should I do? Am I just being weak and self pitying, and I should just buck up and keep moving forward? I was told this is what true leadership is: resilience in the face of all difficulty. This past year I can say has been completely reliant on this thought. I don’t care how unhappy it makes me, I WILL see this through, I WILL keep making things better.

But I also ask myself now, if I keep going, keep trying, and stay in a position where I’m likely to be let down again and again, will I end up losing all that was great about me before? I had drive, I had the power to inspire, I had a charisma that made people want to follow me… is continuing with all these setbacks and personal attacks going to drown it all? 

Where do I go from here? Do I keep pushing forward, though every day I feel less happy to wake up? Or do I stop, and perhaps, in quitting, forego the growth every leader should go through to learn relentless perserverance? 

Where am I going? And where should I go?