This is what I feel like. Like something is torn out of me. They are killing my baby, they are killing a part of me. I woke up today to hear they kicked the person they don’t like that they’d been bullying, and they demoted me to a rank called “guild master” that has no power (I used to be “muse”, and as far as I remember my only permission before was to be able to see officerchat, but I have never checked what other permissions I had), changed shandare’s rank to “god”, also taking away his permissions, and wrote a guild message that shows up every time anyone logs in, including content like things suck now because we have become toxic and allow sexual harassment.

Kaelli left without giving us any time. Despite her having agreed to not flake with no warning and her guarantee she would stay the whole tier. She said the drama and sexual harassment were too much and she couldn’t take it anymore. When she posted she would no longer be raiding with us, kittiez and wuf both followed with posts that said the same thing. Since it was obvious kittiez was not raiding with us before, I can only imagine they were doing it in this coordinated manner to cause the most impact, the most fear, the most uncertainty they could.

Wuf had told me the day earlier he would leave, but when I asked him if he could give us 2 weeks so we could have a bit of leeway to replace him, he said that of course he would. But now with him typing this to synchronize with kittiez and kaelli, and ignoring my message double checking with him, I fear he has no qualms in going back on his words to help cause me and the guild the maximum harm he can.

I hear talen left without ever having responded to me. Perhaps he also feels I do not deserve the respect of being warned he is going to flake, and it’s also ok with him if I have to stay up all night many nights in a row to recruit because of these flakes.

With these people flaking out, and kittiez and Nymn also flaming out, we are suddenly down 5 people from our 26-person roster. And there are players who cannot make raid times this week. So we are hovering about 20 people. Anything can happen now, if anyone doesn’t feel great this weekend, if anyone has power issues, anything at all can prevent us from being able to raid.

I understand that right now, nimn’s and also maybe kittiez’s goal is to cause me the most mental anguish and harm possible. They know what I care about, so they’re targeting that. I care about my guild. So they do things in a way that makes the guild the most untenable. Coordinating people posting that they are quitting, to cause the most uncertainty and lower morale the most. Writing a message that will make anyone who logs on get hit by thoughts of the guild being toxic and condoning sexual harassment (which hurts me even more, similar to the carain situation when she said I condone mysogyny, I don’t think many people could be more against sexual harassment than rape victims like me, yet I am accused of condoning it when I don’t even know about it). And now that I think of it, if she is GM and insists on holding this power, actually isn’t it her job to deal with things like that? But she doesn’t deal with it, and uses the fact that it exists to imply that shandare and I condone it, making it our problem instead of the problem of the person who is supposed to be most responsible for it.

All this, and more, makes me grieve deeply for my guild. I didn’t know until today how much my guild meant to me. I had always done everything for it, but because I had GM before, no matter what happened it was on me to fix things and I always could fix things. So I had never thought too much of its meaning for me. But this is something I cannot fix. She can toy with us as much as she likes and ruin this guild. The only thing we would be able to do is to abandon this place and form a new guild. And as I realized today that this is pretty much inevitable, I felt like my guts were torn out of me. I felt like my baby was being killed, and what purpose was my existence anymore? I want to die. I don’t want to exist in this world anymore.