Just when last night everything seemed to be looking up, everything came crashing down today. We did rated battlegrounds today, a form of pvp that requires 10 people vs 10 people, in pre-made groups. This means communication within the groups is key, and strategy and tactics could feasibly be implemented. I have been organizing these runs weekly for about a month now, but I have only been making sure they happen. I haven’t studied anything about it, and I really know very little about how to do them, and about pvp in general.

The past few weeks have been pretty smooth, where we win most of our fights throughout the night. But today we lost most fights. And the last one we did was a capture the flag type battleground, and because of the class and specialization I now play, I am normally the flag carrier. However, I wasn’t able to carry the flag very often today because there was usually a rogue who was stealthed (invisible), following me around and stunning me so I couldn’t move for several seconds at a time again and again. This meant less optimal people often had to carry the flag. However, perhaps if I had researched how to deal with these situations more, this would not have been a problem for me.

Anyway, after that last run today, I asked what happened earlier when we lost after being ahead. And one of the pugs replied: “well played flag carrier. That was on you.” And then left the group. I assume that he was saying I was the cause of our loss. To be sure, if we had prevented the other team from getting their flag over quickly, we would not have lost, so I am intellectually aware that it was not all on me. But I was completely devastated. I do not know enough about battlegrounds and pvp and how my class is supposed to play in these situations to even know if I really am horrible, and this complete lack of knowledge means, to me, that I most likely did perform horribly. And what is even more horrible is that I joined a team effort without myself making any effort to be an asset, by studying or prepping for it. To be sure, likely no one else did either, but that does not, in my eyes, absolve my lack of effort. But to make things worse, because of all the time and effort I spend recruiting, as well as all the other stuff involved with playing this game and being in a guild, I know I don’t have the time and energy to study for pvp.

So I feel like the worst person ever. What right do I have doing pvp if I put so little effort in, and as a result, am a burden to my group? I feel I fully deserve being told we failed tonight because I suck, and that I am weighing everyone down, because I feel this is the case. And then, knowing that my reaction is over the top, I feel worse. What right do I have even playing this game if I cannot withstand this bit of criticism? And my hugely negative overreaction, which likely showed a bit through my voice, is only likely to make others feel bad and make everything worse. I was so distressed, am still so distressed now when I think about it. I sobbed all the way to my therapy appointment, and had half decided I could not continue with this game, and once I finish recruiting enough that the guild is safe again, I was going to leave again.

And on top of all that, I cannot avoid the nagging fear of the repercussions of losing more than we win. When I raid led before, just one extra wipe could easily mean raiders would leave our guild. Even if people in guild are no longer like that, I worry that next week people won’t want to join as much. Perhaps this means our activity quality and quantity within the guild will go down, and this could make people less devoted to the guild. Which means my personal failure to do what I should have to help my team may have snowball effects that could hurt the entire guild. So my fear and my distress get rolled together and I am miserable.

But.

I am working on it. Working on overcoming my impulse to feel worthless whenever I am criticized, an impulse developed and perfected over the years I led Syzygy. Working on reminding myself not to overextend my energy just because I want to help and know how to do so effectively, something I realize now I have done these past couple weeks with all the recruiting. Working on being able to face negativity or setbacks and not let it overwhelm me.

And hopefully, presumably, there will be ups again.