People like froyo, infestus, many of the multitudes of people who have left us and then created spaces in which a large part of their happiness is derived from finding what our struggles are after they created problems for us, and laughing then mocking at us. These people, what is behind their thinking?

These people have always known and I think cannot argue against the fact that we have always treated them with the utmost sincerity and always did our best by them. They may not agree with a particular strat here or decision there, but I don’t think they can ever think that we didn’t try our very best by them, and if they just didn’t agree with certain decisions we made, why is there this need to be happy by seeing me suffer?

I wonder if it’s perhaps their insecurity? Froyo would come to me and tell me that his friends were bullying him and saying his performance isn’t strong. Infestus’s friends used to make jokes about him unable to dodge easy mechanics. Do they feel the need to laugh at others in order not to look at themselves and have the courage to try to improve? Even so though I would find it hard to live with myself if, in order to make myself feel better, I am wantonly cruel to those who do their best for me whom I’ve already hurt a lot.

People like froyo and infestus know that we invested a lot in them, giving them gear and helping them learn and improve on what they were weak on, so when they ultimately leave we would have to start anew with someone else, in a situation when people are unlikely to be patient with new people learning (unless these people are like me and a few others, and then we are told we have bad judgement because we’re not telling them that without time to catch up, if they’re not already almost as strong as us, this means they’re shit). They know that this will cause us to struggle. And then they laugh at us and mock us when we struggle, or find ways to cause more trouble by sending people to sow discord between people. What are they thinking? Why do they think it’s acceptable to behave this way? How unfeeling, uncaring are they as human beings to do this to people who have gone out of their way for them?

And people like halp, joining them to tell them we’re a “shithole”, because 1) last week we struggled with healers (he said our healers are bad because they didn’t heal him enough, even though he’s one of the people who I more regularly worry about getting extra stacks of Sargeras’ Fear dots, or else because he’s rushing ahead causes others to get more, and even after it’s explained that when people get too many of these healers get overstrained and can miss healing one person because they were healing another). Then 2) this week though our healer situation improved (because I spend hours and hours every week looking for and working with recruits, and at long last found a decent one), we struggled with tanks because both our main tanks are out. He calls us a “shithole” he can’t wait to leave, after we were fully supportive of him when he had real life family issues and was the most unreliable player for months, and never did any work to help the guild that I could tell despite having taken on an officer role, and despite us giving him a spot again after his real life stuff cleared up and he wanted to raid again. This is another example of someone we tried our best for, and when we’re down instead of trying to help make things better, kicks us while we’re already down. And he is but one in a sea of people who have acted this way over time.

Truthfully, if I were a better leader, made better decisions, etc, maybe these people would not treat me and us in such a way. I’ve experienced enough situations as the lowest status person to know that there are often ways to command respect even when everything is against me. If people treat me with so little respect now, part of it may be them but I know part of it must have been that I could have done better, and didn’t.

But this brings me back to my suicidal thoughts. 1) If I’m terrible enough of a leader to merit such treatment despite devoting my life to them, I don’t really feel my life is worth living. And 2) if the world is full of humans such as this, I don’t really want to be a part of this world.