Yesterday was my last day in WoW for awhile at least. I’ve told everyone I’m taking a break, but in truth I don’t know if I will go back. I’ve gone through so many lows, and even more lows, that for the most part it has overshadowed all the highs. I would say I’ve been burnt out for maybe 1.5 years (Syzygy has only existed for 2 years), and for maybe the past year I’ve been dying to just let go, to dump all responsibilities and not need to deal with anything anymore. I literally couldn’t live with myself if I actually did that though, so I’ve been holding on, feeling like an ant does grasping at the edge of a twig while a river torrents by, whirling it around.

With the new expansion I had a good point in time when I could transfer my responsibilities to others, and it feels like I’ve finally reached the shore and can let go of that twig, allow it to flow through that river by itself, without me. I can feel the ground beneath my tiny ant-feet and smell the grass and finally be at peace.

Thing is though, I’m not actually an ant. I’m, unfortunately, a human being. That drive that pushed me to treating WoW like a career is hard-wired into my brain. That rebelliousness in me refuses to let my life of the past over two years disappear down the drain and be wasted. I also have this fear that if I don’t overcome the bitterness I have grown to embody, it’ll actually become a part of me that I cannot let go of. But I don’t want my time in WoW to change me into someone I don’t want to be. I don’t want to be defined by my negative experiences only. And the memory of all I went through that led to the peace in finally letting go of the twig will probably morph into a stain on my life when I look back in the future. Oh to be an ant, to not be driven to judging my past and planning my future.

But well, whatever, I’m a homo sapien, so, moving on past this ant analogy. My thoughts about my next step is tailored to try to help me overcome my bitterness and anger, and also to not let my time as a gamer become useless and forgotten. I plan to write about my experiences in game, how I faced them, what I needed to do for myself. How I fell in love with the challenges and intelligence of the game, how it became like an entrepreneurship for me, how I ended up so depressed I committed suicide, and how things have ended now that I’ve passed on my responsibilities and have stepped away.

I plan to do this in a few stages. First, I’m going to try to write the entire history purely from my own PoV. I’ll give bitterness free rein, will talk about all that I’ve done and given for others, as well as explain how everyone who has hurt us has made me feel, and how it’s hurt us. I’ve never allowed myself to express things in such a subjective and biased manner, but I’ve caught myself thinking it in a repressed manner a lot. So I figure I may as well put it out there, and maybe this bitterness will wash away with the writing.

Of course, it may not wash away, and whether or not it does, I don’t think I can accept an entirely biased account of my past. Therefore, in the second stage I will go back and try to think through the possible perspectives of each of the people who hurt us, during the time they were with us. Or at least, each of the people who played a larger role in increasing my anger and depression. It’s likely not going to be easy, and I may interpret things incorrectly, but at least I hope this will help me understand parts of this history of anger in a different light, and maybe that will help me overcome all these negative emotions.

Lastly, maybe, there will be a third stage. If my first stage was far too biased, and my thinking of things has evolved after the second stage, I may want to rewrite this history, in a less biased and less bitter manner. Or at least, that’s the hope. The hope that one day I can tell this story with a better understanding of all the people I currently can’t stand, that one day this part of my life will not be awash with bitterness, but will instead be interesting, informative, and will be something I can learn and grow from.