You know that movie, I’m not there, the biopic of Bob Dylan? It’s where multiple people portray different times of his life, also showing different faces of the person. I am sometimes amused by the different faces of me.

I’m amused by how I can be so radically different in how I react to things, depending on what thing it is.

This line of thought came up as I was thinking about how my biggest source of mental pain in WoW came from the fact that I had to sacrifice so much for people who did so little for, and cared so little about, me.

In my real life relationships, the situation could not be more different. Be it in family, friend, or romantic relationships, I never allow myself to be in the position of feeling my sacrifice deserves more appreciation. I might do things for others and just enjoy that I do so, or I do things for others and they show me how happy they are about it, and I feel good; otherwise I just do don’t things for others. The moment I get a whiff of my doing too much for someone, and it is giving me dissatisfaction, I pull away, and tone down the effort I put into that relationship. I had always felt that to sacrifice a lot for others while it’s not needed or appreciated by them, and then getting all upset over it, is just silly.

Then you have how I reacted in WoW. I am the quintessence of an unhappy martyr. I feel strongly that I gave all of myself to others, and am deeply hurt, even years later, by the lack of appreciation and uncaring response.

I have thought about how I can be so different in these two instances, and have come to the conclusion that I felt too strong of an obligation towards my guild, an obligation that I do not feel in any of my real life relationships. I felt responsible for every single person in my guild, and I knew that my sacrifices would lead to smoother raids and happier raiders. To be sure, without such sacrifices my guild could not have achieved what it did. Without most of those sacrifices my guild would have fallen apart almost any week of its existence. If I were to pull away from the guild like I do with my real life relationships, the guild would have fallen apart. In this game, or in any team situation, effort is always required to keep things together and create good results. The trouble here was that 90% of that team-maintenance effort came from me only.

Sure, my real life sacrifices for others would probably make their lives happier too (my family, friends, lovers), but I do not feel responsible for them at all. In my real life I live by the philosophy that if you’re an adult you are responsible for your own happiness, and I will be happy to help enhance it, but ultimately it’s not my responsibility.

The two different faces of me: the reasonable adult who is chill about everything, and recognizes each person is answerable to themselves only; and the responsible leader who martyrs herself for the good of her guild, and does not recognize the word chill.