It’s been a year since I’ve published anything huh. Not much significant had happened in my life this year that related directly to my life in WoW.

Until today.

I’ve been looking to buy a house, and I asked a few of my closest friends to come see one with me today, and to talk to me about it. When we talked about it, they were eager to give me advice, and had a lot to say. During our conversation, there was an exchange that lasted maybe half an hour or more, where we were discussing some of the changes I would want to make to the house if I bought it, and how it would work as a potential investment. During this exchange my friends basically took turns telling me how my idea was not wise, or I was not being realistic enough.

Almost immediately I had flashbacks of when I was leading Syzygy in WoW, and I would have guild meetings where people took turns telling me how my leadership was not good, or I was not being effective enough.

By the time my last friend chimed in to shoot down one of my arguments for my idea, I was feeling like et tu Brute? Despite knowing my friends weren’t even criticizing me, despite knowing they have my best interests at heart, despite knowing they were helping me, I got upset. I can count on one hand the number of times in my life I have gotten upset at my close friends. Then, after getting upset, even knowing my reaction was unreasonable, I allowed the fact that I was upset to show. Like I was 8 years old. I sank into a depression right in front of their eyes. And in this depression I started again to question myself. Maybe my analyses are no good. Maybe I am very unwise, and really don’t know how others think or how the world works.

Afterwards, I dealt with my feelings, explained to myself again that my friends were just helping me and it just so happened their opinions differed from mine on some issues. I recalled how they will support me through whatever I choose in the end, and will always do whatever they can to help me. And I worked through my upset. And I was fine. I had dinner. I went home. I played an iPhone game I’m newly addicted to.

Then I took a shower before bed, and started crying.

I remembered the feeling of my headset on my head as I listened to disembodied voices of those I worked my ass off for, telling me all the ways I was a bad leader. I remembered how I also came to eventually question my own abilities as a leader and my value as a person. I remembered how I felt upset then but told myself to deal with it rationally and not let my emotions affect anything, least of all my outward reaction. I remembered how betrayed I felt when, during one of these guild meetings/complaint sessions, it felt like the only officer I ever trusted joined in with my detractors, my guildies, and agreed I had done badly.

Ah, I don’t even know if I was crying because I am still upset by these experiences, or because I feel they made my more fragile, less able to deal with situations I handled with aplomb before.