I have been thinking about my lack of motivation a lot recently. Why is it that every difficulty I encounter becomes an obstacle, saps my energy, resulting in the years-long stagnation of my life? Why do I lose motivation so damn easily? I’ve been part of a project lately, and though I was motivated at the start, when some difficulties started cropping up, I immediately lost all motivation to deal with it.

I was afraid it was a weakness in my character, some inherent laziness or lack of grit. But recently I’ve been reminded of the years before I created Syzygy, when I was so deliriously happy and fulfilled every day, my friends asked what drug I was on. And I realized, during those years I would encounter very similar difficulties to the ones I encounter now, and I never even thought of them as obstacles. Like, the word never entered my mind. Those difficulties were, at that time, another reason to be excited for tomorrow, since I knew the work I put in today meant the difficulties would lessen a bit tomorrow, and it could only continue to get better, day by day. They were another opportunity for me to feel good about myself, because the fact that I was having difficulties meant I was imperfect, which meant I had leeway to improve, and my improvement was something in which I could draw pride.

I have always pushed myself to constantly do more, be better. The difference is, when I pushed myself while I was in a happy and healthy state of mind, that push itself was yet another factor in the virtuous cycle of joy, excitement, improvement, joy. And so I did more, and did better. And now, when I push myself, I find no energy and no motivation, so I either force myself to do a bit and feel exhausted, or else I don’t do what I should do and feel guilty and unhappy, a vicious cycle of depression, pressure, exhaustion, depression. So I have stagnated for years.

I’ve heard it said that having a mental disorder is the single greatest thief of human potential.

This change in me had a very clear turning point. It came with the start of Syzygy. Before Syzygy, I was still the person who was always excited and happy, and difficulties were challenges, not obstacles. I was always looking forward to doing well, and happy and at peace with myself, since I knew each day was a new day in which I could do even more, even better. It was with that frame of mind that I created Syzygy, actually. I knew it would be difficult for me, I was apprehensive and unsure of my abilities, but all that just meant as I kept working I was sure I would get better, Syzygy would get better, things would be good one way or another! But that first raid week when I couldn’t eat or sleep, and then the constant backstabbing, flaking, ship-jumping of the very members I worked my ass off for… well, that was the starting point, and it would continue, sometimes being much worse, sometimes being a bit better, for the two years I led Syzygy. Starting from that first week, the essence of my motivation to exert myself changed. I was not working because I wanted to, because I was excited for things to get better. No. I was working because I NEEDED to so that Syzygy would not fall apart. Or at least that was how I felt about it, as I think I’ve made clear in my posts about that time, and particularly about that first week.

Prior to that, the essence of my motivation, of my pushing myself to do more and better, was excitement and anticipation of improvement. After that, the essence of my motivation was fear of failure. Even now, I can see many of the “difficulties” I currently face are grounded in a fear of failure, fear of not being good enough, fear that even if I work hard, like I did in Syzygy, there will still be a constant feeling that I wasn’t doing enough, as there was anytime anyone was unhappy at Syzygy. Which, well, 30~60 people, there was always bound to be someone unhappy.

Obviously, since I’ve had these thoughts I’ve been pushing myself to change how I push myself. Lol. I want to go back to doing things because I am excited for the results of my efforts, not because I fear the consequences of not applying enough effort. My personal history has shown that the former type of motivation was my own personal upper, one that not only kept me in a constant state of happiness, but also allowed me to see difficulties as exciting challenges and sustain my level of motivation over years. Whereas the latter type of motivation kept me constantly unhappy, and burns me out at the slightest difficulty, which I see as obstacles or setbacks. Hopefully I’ll succeed, or at least find a way out of my depression, whether or not I succeed in restoring my former essence of motivation.

It would be nice to feel motivated again.