One of my old raiders gave me the new expansion as a Christmas gift. I was so moved and honored by the gesture that I made the mistake of accepting it on Christmas Day, caught up with the symbolism of that day. Once accepted, it started a 30 day timer of free gameplay, and then of course I couldn’t let that go to waste. Right?

Now, I have never really completely left. Last expansion I started to gradually realize what an amazing and dedicated raid leader Shandare is, and that motivated me to want to help him, and so from time to time in the last few years I have been watching Syzygy’s raids, and discussing raid strategies and leadership approaches with him. Though at times we would spend hours discussing things, pouring over logs and videos, etc., it had always been pretty casual for me. This was, in part, also because my main window into what was happening was through Shandare, and he (and the rest of the leadership) were aware of my fragility and have always insulated me from any drama or negativity. So though I had never left, I never was so much in the loop of things that it would cause me any pain.

So now I’m playing again, and immediately am much more in the thick of things. I had thought I would play casually, but at least make a character that could provide direct help to the raid if it needed me. But I thought mainly I would play it like I played Diablo: going online when I felt like it for a few hours at a time, mainly just doing dungeons that required few people (like Diablo rifts), but being competitive enough to be able to do any content if it was required of me. And I’m realizing, after playing for about 1 week, that it is very difficult for me to do that. This week I have probably averaged 6 to 8 hours of gameplay a day, and I have found it easy, with my guildies’ help, to almost immediately catch up and can be capable of any content within about 2 weeks. But I’m playing a character I’ve never played before, in a role I’ve never played competitively, so this catch up requires a lot of effort, both in the game and out (by studying guides, discussing with people, etc.).

On top of the time I’ve spent purely on gameplay, a much more concerning situation is that I have quickly become aware of various personnel related issues in guild. Of course, no guild is without personnel issues, and drama will always exist however slight it may be. This seems to have been much exacerbated by the difficult year of 2020, particularly since most guildies are Americans and Americans have suffered more acutely this year than people in many other countries. People in general seem more depressed, more anxious, more tense, more likely to be upset or annoyed. Of course, Syzygy’s leadership since I left has done an amazing job at keeping the guild at a wonderful level of respect and kindness, to a degree at which I’m rather amazed. But I see people’s tension in little things, like a stronger likelihood to feel annoyed instead of motivated towards self improvement when they don’t perform well. Or a tendency to shy away from others’ personal problems because people seem to have a lower capacity to help and support others than they used to. Or a stronger likelihood to get upset at leadership than before.

In particular this stronger likelihood to get upset at and blame leadership has hit me hard. I did not realize how much it would affect me. I see a lot of myself in the raid leader Shandare, in how hard he works for the guild, how much he sacrificed for it, how he needs to constantly strain himself or repress any of his imperfections to be as good a leader as he can almost every moment of every day. He has given so much of himself to the guild, in ways almost exactly mirroring how I gave so much of myself to Syzygy before. And this week I have seen some reactions towards him that were much like the reactions I had towards me. Always there are complaints, and almost always these complaints are personal and hurtful. I am reminded that this happens in every guild, no matter how good or bad things are. When things were good when I led Syzygy, people complained about my decisions in giving gear, in giving mounts, in my tendency to explain things too minutely, in the fact that I was usually sleeping when people were playing so I couldn’t hang out with them, etc. And of course when things were bad when I led Syzygy, people complained about my raid leading, the tone of my voice when I said things, my decisions, the fact that I listen too much and give in too easily, the fact that I’m too stubborn and don’t listen enough. Everything. And often these complaints were couched in very hurtful phrases, often implying my guild will fail or is bad because of my faults and weaknesses, or often implying that it is because of my problems or faults or character or personality that the guild is not as good as it could or should be.

People do this don’t they? In game but also in real life. When people get frustrated because they feel dismissed or undervalued or misunderstood or whatever, this upset feeling is all we can see and feel, and we so easily lash out at whom we feel is the person causing this feeling. In lashing out, we have a tunnel vision of that person, all we see is that that person did something we don’t like. We don’t remember that person has also in the past often done stuff for us, been kind to us, helped and supported us. And we so easily say hurtful things in these moments. In real life this usually only happens in close relationships, but in WoW, the entire raid is essentially in a close relationship with the leadership, and likely with each other. They are together for long stretches of time, working towards a difficult goal that requires them to face a lot of setbacks, struggle, and difficulty, often with just a few moments of elation and delight (when a boss is first killed) to make up for that. And this raid is usually led by one raid leader, which means every tiny little decision that happens, that can cause someone or other dissatisfaction, is often attributed to the raid leader. If a raider doesn’t like a tiny part of any particular strategy, if a raider doesn’t like who is being sat, if a raider’s suggestion isn’t adopted, anything at all can trigger a raider to blame their raid leader.

I was the target of this blame for the years I led Syzygy, from both my raid groups, on levels beyond just raid leading because I was also the guild master. And oh my god. For two years I got practically no support or validation or commendation, and instead probably averaged one big criticism of my person or abilities per week. I recently read a study that showed, for a human being to function healthily and flourish, they need to retain a positive to negative ratio of about 3 to 1 in how they think. My positive to negative ratio those two years was perhaps 1 to 150. So even though I was aware that when people criticized me, no matter how hurtful they were being, in the moments they were not upset they thought very highly of me and really respected and liked me, even though my brain was aware of this, I was not able to avoid the harm of this constant drizzle, sometimes outpour, of criticism.

So I find that I am uber sensitive to this, and when I see even bits of it in guild now (and to be fair it’s not really bad, it seems like people in guild now are far kinder and less likely to be toxic than in my time), it is much bigger a blow to me than it should be. And of course, with the higher tension in guild as a result of the difficult year of 2020, this sort of stuff is more on the surface than I think it would normally be. Or perhaps my uber sensitivity has attuned me more to it.

What’s more, I have realized that my time in WoW did not just traumatize me, it also created trauma for those close to me in real life. Now that I realize it it’s obvious it would. I am privileged and fortunate to have people in my life who care very very very much for me. They lived through the years I was so intensely depressed by my struggles in WoW. They were the ones that had to deal with my suicide attempt. They watched me change from an extremely joyful, motivated, and positive person to someone who became like a ghost, lost all motivation, and interpreted almost everything in a negative light. They are also affected and will be affected by my return to WoW.

So I don’t know what to do.

I definitely find fulfillment in playing WoW, most especially now because I am perhaps uniquely placed to be able to provide help that few others could provide. And one of my primary methods of self-actualization is to feel that I have been of help and that my help is appreciated. WoW does this for me more directly than almost anything else in life, especially because of my history and reputation in the game. As such, I feel more complete when WoW is a part of my life. Playing WoW even for a bit has given more motivation in this new year than I thought possible at this moment in my life. I feel like I’m looking forward to things with a relish I haven’t felt in years. Moreover, one of my favorite raiders has also returned to WoW, and I would absolutely love to play the game with him again, and of course with all the WoW friends I really like and care about. I have also always known many people really really want me to return. And most importantly, I want to be there for the leadership of the guild, and give them the sustained help and support I so yearned for myself, and that all leaderships need so badly.

So. After this month gifted to me, do I continue? Do I return to WoW? If so, in what capacity? Am I able to play casually yet still offer the support and help I so crave to give? Do I have the mental strength to do so? Would I be able to do it an insulate myself from the things that I am not yet mentally able to bear?