I was talking to one of my old raiders today, and they mentioned how we were a great guild before, rank-wise. They said we were US top 100 for our first three raids, and likely we were. Then they said that Syzygy fell afterwards, likely because the weekend team was started. This upset me beyond reason, and I’m trying to unpack why I’m so upset.

We started with just one team that raided weekdays, but after 2 raids/tiers, I started a weekend team because I wanted to give many people, who couldn’t make the weekday team, a place in the guild they worked so hard for. It hurt my heart to only have one team that offered so much to a group of people, when many of them I frankly thought were selfish assholes who didn’t really contribute much for the guild. Meanwhile, I couldn’t offer anything at all to the weaker players who gave their all to help the guild in any way they could.

A tier after I created the weekend team, I had a big exodus of people from the, original, weekday team. They gave me all sorts of reasons. But among them, one of the officers I trusted the most told me he was leaving because he felt that I was too drained by having two teams, and as such I couldn’t be a good enough leader. He said he would give me some time, but if I continued insisting on having the weekend team he was going to leave with the rest of the exodus and leave me on my own. Of course at the time my main thought was that he, as an officer, instead of coldly watching from the side and not doing much, could perhaps have tried to lessen my burden, and then I would not be quite so drained. So whenever people mentioned my being drained because I made my second team, I can’t help but think of this particular interaction.

But today I realized that the wound goes much deeper. I think it’s because when people tell me the guild stopped being as good because I formed the weekend team, how I see it is as following. The one thing I did at the time to be a person who didn’t mainly just reward skilled assholes, but also gave back to those who gave so much to me and my guild, was the thing people are saying made me fail as a leader. In other words, it seems to me that they’re implying the only way I could be a good leader was to ignore or step on all those who sacrifice for me, and simply reward the stronger people, though 80% of them were selfish and never made a single sacrifice for us.

So it comes to this. To be a good leader do I need to ignore all my morals? Just grab whatever person is currently the strongest and treat everyone who contributes but isn’t that strong as a tool, a stepping stone, to be used then tossed aside? My therapist said I have an enormous sense of morality, and this thought just eats me up. Am I a failure as a leader because my morality impeded my ability to perform as a leader? Certainly, if I had had more support and help at the time I probably wouldn’t have been drained, but I don’t suppose a leader should need to rely on that. And without support and help, was I supposed to throw my morality on the wayside, and just lead a group of people who I knew (and who later proved themselves) that they cared not one iota about me or my guild, and would hurt or cripple us the moment they felt they could have something else better?

This strays close to some of my most traumatizing moments in WoW. And even now, the pain is so fresh. It’s so overwhelming.