Since rejoining WoW I’ve wondered a good bit about what my role is in Syzygy. My original goal was purely to support Shandare and Xan, to be the type of support I wish I had when I led the guild. I saw them working themselves to death and experiencing the same types of struggles I had, and my heart broke for them, and I derived a lot of fulfillment through supporting them. And since then, though I would have my own opinions, all my effort was put into bringing about their vision for the guild, and since xan stepped out, shandare’s vision.

In this role as a supporter, I found I could contribute a lot and be what I think is a positive influence, without potentially triggering my trauma and throwing me too much back into the throes of suicidal depression. And though I still work day and night, previously recruiting, now also prepping for bosses, at least in my own mind I am “just helping”.

So, in my mind, I was “out”. If anyone was unhappy with anything, I did not have to feel it was my responsibility and my failure. If there were any little pockets of drama, it had nothing to do with me and I could ignore it. And to be fair, these pockets of drama are really quite few and far between.

But, of course, they exist. And suddenly, I’m finding myself being pulled back in. There are people who, though they are not creating huge drama, are causing random instances of it. And, somehow, I’m the one taking care of it. And suddenly I am thinking about how things should be in the guild, what permissions should be allowed to people, what is and is not acceptable from members, etc. And suddenly I start wondering if I shouldn’t ask to take back the guild master rank again to clean everything up. As a guild master, I know I would ensure nothing truly bad would ever happen to the guild. And very few people would put the good of the guild above all else the same way I do.

But… am I ready for that? Even if I leave all decisions about raid to shandare, when people say things like “I don’t think our progression was comfortable enough”, as was mentioned in our guild meeting at the end of the last tier, will I not feel like I was sucker-punched? When people say things like “person A shouldn’t have done xxx, this really has to be taken care of”, will I be able to rest or relax before the situation is dealt with? As a guild master, will I not constantly fear anyone leaving, and treat it as a personal failure if anyone does, or if god forbid one of my officers flakes on me yet again, will that not bring me right back to the worst place I was before? I cannot even write about it now without feeling a huge surge of irrational fear.

I was busy helping the guild for the past several months, but my mental state was pretty chill. I was able to convince myself that I was out. But, just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in…….