It’s something I am unable to not do. Almost always in the context of when I see someone bullied or treated badly, I cannot let it pass without trying to do something. Only, I fail spectacularly each time and the aggressors not only double down on the legitimacy of their intolerance and mean behavior, but often end up attacking me as a result.

My first memory of this was in middle school. A kid with low IQ who also had low EQ and was often naughty was ostracized and excluded by the class. I stood up for him time and time again and tried to explain that he couldn’t always control himself, and basically appeal to people to try to empathize with him. People did not end up treating him better, and eventually my own friend group ostracized me.

This sort of thing was the last straw that caused me to commit suicide when I was GM too. People were snarkily or directly bullying Tiffanie, the officer at the time and one of the very few people who were actually helping me with the intense load of leadership in game, but who also was a weak player and though the mistake that triggered that bout of bullying wasn’t terribly worse than what some others did, by that time it just fed into the confirmation bias many felt about her being a weak player. I could not stand by and watch this bullying, so I posted about it and entreated them to understand that without tiffanie’s support, we would have basically no raid group (by then I had already reached the end of my tether and had been deeply depressed and traumatized for half a year, without stopping my leadership, which means without any rest or relief). I also explained that she pushed herself hard and had already improved a ton. Basically I appealed to them to try to see things from both her and my pov, and to see that she was incredibly valuable to the guild even if she made more mistakes than others in gameplay (something that she was working hard on to deal with). And people doubled down and said stuff that implied they didn’t give a shit: if she made mistakes she needed to be kicked (apparently without regard to what that would mean for me, to lose my main support at the time), that my defending her was just making others more angry and therefore I was the cause of all the resentment, and even her other defender spoke up to say I was making a big deal out of nothing and had now made things much worse for her.

Now, it’s happening again. Shandare does so much for this team, he is such a great leader in so many ways. The amount of effort he puts in, even when people treat him so abominably, goes way beyond almost any other raid leader at our guild level; the ability to stay calm 97.5% of the time no matter what; the constant adjustments to make things better for others, often by sacrificing himself; the maturity and resilience he has to deal with all the shit people do. He has his weaknesses, perhaps he is less flexible than the average raid leader, and perhaps sometimes the way he speaks during raid can make people feel like he didn’t address their issue, or feel dismissed (though he always is willing to spend whatever time needed outside of raid to discuss with people). But apparently these very few weaknesses are enough for people to latch on and use as ammunition to bombard him with. I cannot stand by and watch that. Of course I would stand up for him and when people say he NEVER listens, to tell them this is not true (they don’t lie on purpose, but they apparently forget the many times he did listen because of the times they felt dismissed). When people pile on to him about all sorts of minor things in the grand scheme of what is needed of a raid leader, I cannot not try to appeal to their empathy. Really, none of them would do better in his position, and truly, very few human beings would do better in his position. But as a result, first people double down, then I am also attacked. Told that I clamp down on feedback by finding excuses for him. Told that my behavior makes the raid not fun, feel like a job. Told that I’m a mood killer.

All this leads me to wonder…….. is it me? Do I, in trying to stand up for what I believe is right, make things worse?