I’m suddenly realizing that there may be a cure for me out there, one that I didn’t realize before. So I know my trauma stems from feeling I can’t stand seeing instances of people attacking those who work hard and go beyond for others. I also can’t stand seeing instances of selfishness. I think selfishness that results in wantonly hurting others is one of the ugliest things in humanity. And I am uber sensitive about it.

So I always thought the way to go was to try to stay away from it as much as possible. Indeed I would not have come back to WoW this time around if I realized there was this ugliness in guild. It was precisely because I misled myself to think that the guild no longer had people who were like this, that I was willing to come back at all. I had stayed away for 2 years to try to keep away from all that. I watched over my guild on and off all throughout those 2 years, often reaching out to support shandare, whom I was gradually realizing was a really wonderful person who deserved my support for all he did for my guild, but I mostly stayed away. Sometimes I would help out more. There were perhaps some months I would spend 10s of hours every week doing boss prep to help out (though I only shared my findings with shandare), but then I saw the ugliness rear up once when everyone ganged up on shandare once, and I drew away again after that.

So I kept staying away. And I lowered the likelihood of my getting triggered. But I wasn’t getting better, just not getting worse. I wasn’t getting cured. I thought later that therapy would help, and perhaps it yet will. I stopped therapy when the covid outbreak happened where I live, but I’m at the point that I must continue again, no matter what.

But, today, I realized there may actually be another a cure for me. Maybe, if what pulls me down is seeing selfishness and people wantonly hurting others, what will pull me back us is seeing selflessness and people nobly helping others. Today I saw many instances of that. Many people have come out to support me, in ways that all involve self sacrifice on their part, but that they’re willing to do because they think I deserve support for all the work and effort they have seen me do for others. They do it because they want to make things better for me and for shandare and for our guild, and they see that we are in a time of need. They are so selfless, so giving, so noble in what they do. And just like the selfishness I saw before drove me to take time away from the game, I’m suddenly feeling now that I want to return to the game and do more! I want to be here to help these people who help me in my time of need.

So maybe, this is my cure. The ugliness of humanity drives me to hate the world, so perhaps the beauty of humanity can teach me to love it again.