I have been numbing myself since all this happened. Either recruiting all the time I’m awake, or distracting myself with larger-world problems, or throwing myself into Big Bang theory or piano or something. All so I don’t have to think about things. It’s very dangerous for me right now to think about things, because once I start I cannot stop the pain. My therapist said it’s like most people have doors in their brains which open to emotions about any particular thing, and these doors open and shut as people move onto different thoughts. But when I open this particular door, I cannot close it, and the pain overwhelms me and I drown in it, unable to move on to thinking or feeling anything else.

So I keep myself busy, and numb myself, and do whatever I can to keep that door closed, at least for now. Apparently, only with this, will parts of my brain be able to start relaxing enough for me to have any hope of not getting far far worse.

And while I am numb to the pain behind that door, I can be kind of my normal self. I can deal with stuff, I can laugh, I can interact with people normally. Indeed, with my biggest triggers gone from my life right now, as long as I can continue ignoring the further hurt they seem to be trying to create, I feel a lot less burdened than I have for months. At times, it’s almost like that door isn’t there, and I can pretend that the pain never happened, and the door isn’t there.

But, deep down, I know it’s there. And though I numb myself, I can’t seem to stop that nagging feeling of fear and dread in the back of my mind. What if someone else leaves now? What if I hear more of the defamation? What is that thought trying to push itself in my mind, where I’m almost about to remember what happened? Any of this may throw that door open and suck me back into that whirlpool of suicidal depression. My recent dreams have all been nightmares that seem almost stereotypical in how they reflect the pain that’s hidden behind that door. So I continue focusing just on the particular activity I have in front of me when I’m awake, and do my best to barricade that door. Then, maybe I can somehow deal with it all in the many many therapy sessions I’ve urgently added. And, hopefully, with this, I can gradually recover and move forward.