A couple nights ago I had a dream in which I became really emotional. I’ve been watching Big Bang theory a lot recently, and in my dream, my friends were the people from Big Bang Theory, and they were criticizing me. I found the criticisms hurtful and was upset, and this annoyed and angered them more. They said I always do this, that it’s impossible to give me feedback because I keep making them feel bad for it. Each time, what I do is: I get all upset, feel sorry for myself, and play the victim. After they angrily told me all that, I wanted to get away, leave everything, leave the world, but I had already made things so bad by showing I was upset, it would be worse and even more selfish if I committed suicide. So instead, I walked away and hid for an entire day. My hiding away worried my friends immensely, and when they finally found me they were upset but afraid to show their anger. So, I felt even more terrible. I shouldn’t have gotten upset in the first place, then I shouldn’t have handled my emotions so badly, causing those who cared about me to worry. And on top of that, I really shouldn’t have made them feel so much pressure and guilt that they were afraid to get legitimately angry at me for my hugely inconsiderate behavior.

I woke up crying, and I couldn’t stop. Last week I had finally gotten to the point where I could talk to my therapist about what happened with the nimn and kittiez drama. So I guess this dream is the result of unresolved feelings related to that, since the specific criticisms in my dream were some of the exact ones that were leveled at me during that drama. My therapist had suggested I try leaving thoughts about it within our therapy sessions, and I thought I had succeeded, but I guess my subconscious had other plans.

I find it really distressing how I have trouble thinking it’s ok to be upset when criticized. The comments about how I cannot be a good leader because I was traumatized before and can’t take any feedback now, as well as the comments about how I play the victim by writing my thoughts down in this blog, they have really stuck with me. Analytically, I don’t think those critiques are fair, but I think that subconsciously I’m really coming down hard on myself and finding it difficult to forgive myself for not doing better. Especially since I think most of the times people criticize me it is because they really are legitimately upset at something I do, that I really could have done better, and they do care for me to some extent, just like my friends in my dream.

At least, this time around, I recognize that it’s ok to be upset when others say things that can imply that I’m a bad leader or am manipulative or things like that. They can have understandable reasons for why they think that way, but it’s ok for me to feel upset all the same. And in general it’s ok to get upset when I feel criticized or attacked, or when people whom I care about are criticized or attacked. The first time around, before I handed off my guild master/raider leadership, I wasn’t even able to recognize that analytically, and thought it was my failure as a leader to get upset at all. And this time, I have the luxury of allowing myself to actually feel my feelings instead of needing to hurry up and move on to deal with whatever else was going on. Of course, consciously recognizing these things and allowing myself to respect my emotions doesn’t mean that my instinct to hate myself whenever I cause others discomfort is gone. As evidenced by my dream.

It’s a process, I guess.