I unveiled a private post that I had made awhile ago, at the time of the trigger moment for our crisis in Syzygy. “Today, I had to do something harsh“: it was the day everything started to really fall apart. It was the day I asked for Guild Mastership back from Nimn, and in her pain and anger, she decided to go full on scorched earth and lash out in ways that would not just hurt Shandare, but hurt me and the rest of the guild too. Some day, I will unveil the posts that I made at that time, privated and protected, that I think show exactly how much her actions, and the consequences of her actions, actually did end up hurting me.

But looking at the moment that I asked for Guild Master back, I feel a lot of uncertainty about the decision I made. I wonder if, in my decision-making process at that time, I was too hyper-focused on saving my guild, and unable to see the whole picture. As far as saving Syzygy goes, I, even now, believe I made the best choice. Once Nimn precipitated a crisis by overtly using her powers to benefit herself and her personal friends, at the expense of the guild, and in a way that clearly undercut the person who was truly holding the guild together, we had no choice but to deal with things then and there. And, even in retrospect, I still think that of all the possible ways to deal with it, my asking for Guild Mastership was the safest viable choice for Syzygy. Up to that point, she had always professed that she really liked and respected me. More importantly, when I had previously left the guild, it was always understood that I may one day come back and become Guild Master again, indeed, I understand that’s what guildies (including her at the time) had hoped for. Of course, there was the issue of my being very fragile by the time of this crisis, and the fact that Nimn herself was the main instigator of my relapse into trauma, so me directly dealing with the situation was a far from optimal solution. But all other options seemed much worse. I’ve thought through them again in writing this, and I am still confident that, at least for Syzygy, I chose the best option available.

There was the option of supporting what she wanted to accomplish as a leader, which was already made nearly impossible with her betrayal of our raid leader. However, I attempted to understand what she wanted to do as Guild Master during the conversation with her that night, to see if it the situation could be salvaged this way. I could not bring myself to sign onto it though, since, as mentioned in the previous post, she was only interested in actions that she wanted, but which would certainly harm the raid group and undercut our raid leader. More importantly, she then refused to do the clean up and rebuilding work such actions would necessitate. That further solidified my decision that I would not undermine our raid leader in order to serve this guild master. Our raid leader only earned my support after doing much of the heavy lifting required to maintain the guild for two years, while this guild master put in a fraction of the effort and refused to take responsibility for what was needed to keep things going. So, with the schism between her and the raid leader breaking wide and not bridgeable anytime soon, all the while pulling the guild into its chasm, it was clear to me that the only path towards a return of stability in the guild was to have one of them, in this case, her, step down from leadership, at least until they could work things out. One way to accomplish this was to resort to something underhanded and drama-heavy like talking bad about her to the entire guild and trying to get everyone to side against her and force her to step down. But I find this method to be manipulative, unethical, and if it didn’t tear the guild apart I myself would never support a leadership that stirs up anger and hatred towards others. No matter what happened, I believe I have always behaved above-board and with integrity during the entirety of my leadership or pseudo-leadership at Syzygy. Another option was, I could have asked Shandare to ask for guild mastership, but Nimn’s animosity towards Shandare was so deep-seated, bordering on irrational, that this seemed even more likely to cause problems than my asking for guild mastership. So, out of all the options I saw, I believe I chose what was best for Syzygy. Where my uncertainty arises, as I look back on that time, is if I fully made use of all the information at my fingertips, and if I chose what was best, for me.

I have always been incredibly responsible to my guild. So much so that I shocked myself and all the people in real life that I know. My sense of responsibility came at the expense of almost all else. Of course, I did not sacrifice my real life commitments, in the form of my job, until I could safely do so without causing any problems. But I sacrificed all my friendships and my personal well being to do my absolute best by Syzygy, from the first moment I created that guild. And I believe that I did well by the guild, did well by what was eventually the 50 or so people in my guild. But, that extreme and overdeveloped sense of responsibility towards my guild was disastrous to me, personally. It has been nearly 6 years since the moment I created Syzygy, and I am a different person, with much of my natural joy and motivation almost completely erased, replaced by depression and a constant sense of hovering just at the banks of the whirlpool of my trauma. Knowing how I am, knowing that I was already retraumatized by Nimn, I feel I should have more fully considered the ramifications of her potentially going scorched earth and actively hurting me and the guild, before deciding to throw myself into the fray.

To be sure, I was aware that Nimn might get angry at me, be hurt by me, refuse to give Guild Master to me (I had hinted at taking back guild master weeks before, when she was complaining to me about it, and her response then did make me realize that she may actually want the power for herself). But I did not really consider how far she might go to hurt me on a personal level, to drive me towards suicide again, nor did I consider that she might end up trashing and killing the guild. It seems uncharacteristic of me, when I think of it. I normally am able to see the information in front of me and make decisions based on that. And the information was in plain sight: before I had ever done anything to anger her, she was already willing to retraumatize me then blame me for being retraumatized. I had also already seen how irrational and mean-spirited she could be to Shandare, who did anger her, and how much she allowed that personal resentment to create problems for the guild as a whole. From here, it naturally follows that if I were to be the source of her anger, there’s no reason to believe she would care an inkling about my mental well being. Furthermore, I should have realized how her lack of concern for guildies would mean that once I reject her, she may decide to all out destroy the guild. But, at that moment, I didn’t consider at all that she would go that far, like it didn’t enter my mind as a possibility. As fragile as I already was at that moment, as vulnerable as my guild master years already made me, as obvious a this risk was, it seems even more important that I should have factored this into my decision-making process. It isn’t even an issue of hindsight being 20-20: I think I saw all this information but my brain refused to process the possibility at the time. Or perhaps, I was simply seemed too absorbed in saving Syzygy to think this through like I usually do.

Had I fully considered what I was subconsciously aware of, would I have chosen a different option? Out of all the options I saw, there was only one other that I could consider. I had the choice to just leave everything to Shandare, ask him to deal with it instead of inserting myself. It would have certainly been a riskier route to go for the guild, but it would without question have been better for my own mental health. Moreover, even in my conversations leading up to that moment with shandare, he had made clear that he was willing to shoulder whatever was necessary for the guild, and that he did not want me to put myself in harm’s way unless I was absolutely certain I felt it was worth it. Had I taken into account the likelihood she would destroy everything out of spite, would I have chosen differently? Had I been more concerned about how things would affect my personal well being, would I have just kept out of it all? At the time, I did feel that if I even had the smallest chance of saving my guild, I was willing to do it. But in light of what I ended up suffering after that, I am not certain I made the right choice.

In the end, what have I gained? I did not succeed in saving Syzygy: we were forced to reform and I lost so much info and access that I am not sure I have the resources anymore to continue my story of my time in Syzygy with complete accuracy. I have to continue living with the fact that I chose an action whereby I personally hurt Nimn, a person who was already hurting. I had to later suffer a crippling amount of pain, pushing me to the point where I was absolutely craving death, yet not free to make it happen. And I have to spend thousands and thousands more dollars than I can really afford on therapy. The one positive that I can see is a dubious one: perhaps I saved Shandare some pain by making myself Nimn’s primary target. But even this is questionable: she was still really awful to him anyway.

I am not certain I made the right choice for myself, and I think subsequent events showed that I didn’t really gain much other than pain. But, I couldn’t be sure she would try to destroy everything afterwards, so if it happened again, would I make the same choice? If a place I am responsible for is in danger, and there is the possibility, no matter how small, that I could save it, would I put my life in danger in the form of risking suicidal depression again? This place, I created it. Poured my heart and soul and thousands of hours into it. It was my baby. With the hope dangling there that maybe I could save Syzygy, I don’t know if I could have done differently. I don’t know if I would do differently, if the same situation were to arise again.