It looks like writer’s block. If feels like writer’s block. I had even thought it was writer’s block. It happened years ago, when I was planning on spending most of my time writing this blog. I got to this point, and I just couldn’t bring myself to continue. And it’s happening again now. But it’s not writer’s block. The main problem isn’t a lack of inspiration or creativity. The main problem seems to be that I just cannot bring myself to continue past this blockage.

I had written about my story in WoW, starting from 2012 up to when I created Syzygy in 2016. I had started writing about my struggles from the very beginning of creating Syzygy, and about how, against all odds, I was able to build this guild. I wrote about the struggles I had with my officers, the issues I had with specific players behaving like trolls. Then, I started writing about the week when things started to come to a head. The week leading up to my first big sense of betrayal, and the beginning of my conviction that I am really on my own, that I cannot trust anyone to choose the needs of my guild over their own personal interests. When I came across this blockage in late 2018, and then again when I restarted in mid 2019, I thought it was a writer’s block. I thought the problem was in my being unable to portray what happened in a way that was accurate and coherent. But, two weeks ago, when I tried yet again to continue the story, I reread my draft from before, and it’s perfectly accurate, coherent, even interesting.

However, it was unfinished. So I decided to finish it. I went back to reread conversations from that time, to remember the flow of things. After organizing my thoughts and memories, I continued the draft. And it was good, it felt good to know that the story was being told well, that I could put down what happened, finally, 5 years later. Then, I had to stop, because I had to go to work. And from that moment on I cannot seem to bring myself to look at it and think about it again. Like, if I don’t finish it in the moment, it feels just too hard to return to those memories yet again. Instead, I moved onto writing about the recent crisis that killed Syzygy and caused us to reform as Syzygys. That was difficult enough, but seemingly still much easier. I was able to return again and again to that draft about recent events, I did not feel like I had to shy away from it. Perhaps the second trauma was not as bad as the first.

But I want to continue the story of my first trauma, of what happened when I was GM/RL. I believe it is a story that’s worth telling. The story is intricate, complex, drama-ridden, and with aspects of it related to real-world events. It offers the perspective of someone who always, always did her absolute best and behaved with integrity, through constant discouragement and setbacks. I think true stories like this should always be told. It is too easy in our world to choose to not do our best, to behave selfishly and without integrity. I want my story to be out there, to show anyone who stumbles across it that there are people in this world who had every reason to choose the easier path, to go low, but instead, chose a path whereby we can always hold our head up high. A story of people where, no matter the outcome, we can look ourselves or anyone else in the eye and say: I am proud of the person I am.