Before we get into Amber’s clique, I need to explain a bit where my mind was at at the time.
After having my leadership doubted and receiving very little support, I pulled the guild together and did well simply by keeping my head down and working day and night. Though others might disparage me and the guild, I ignored them and focused on what the team needed. At the same time, in the US, the 2016 presidential campaign was in full swing, and I obsessively followed, and strongly related to, the situation. In that election, I saw two very different types of people: one who was focused on what she believed the country needed, on hard work and perseverance, and on ‘going high when others go low’; the other was focused on his own image and feelings, would bluster and not bother to understand policy details, and spent much of his time going low by attacking people right and left.
I did not relate so strongly because of any policy agreements with liberals or conservatives, but because of what the two very different personalities came to represent to me: one, having the traits I aspired to; the other, having the traits displayed by those who caused us trouble. I was trying my best to embody leadership qualities such as going high when others go low, staying positive, pushing forward for the good of those I lead, and always acting for the good of the guild instead of for my own gratification. Those who were sabotaging my guild by making snarky or demeaning comments about us were the antithesis of that: willing to go on the attack and denigrate others without ever trying to help or understand us, all in order to feel good about themselves. I cannot count the number of times I felt unreasonably attacked or belittled, then told myself not to stoop to their level and join the mudslinging or the undermining, to instead rise above that and just focus on what was good for Syzygy. At the time, I took comfort in the example set by the presidential candidate who responded to mud-slinging by ignoring it and focusing on policy and what the US needed. No matter what sorts of undermining or demeaning behavior I saw in others in the guild, I never responded in kind. With what I saw in the presidential campaign, I, at the time, felt supported in my continued decision to behave maturely, positively, and always with the guild’s best interests at heart. I thought people would see the difference between my and the mudslingers’ behaviors and come to see that I was worth supporting. This difference would play out in a stark manner this week, during the beginning of the implosion of Amber’s clique.
Now, it’s time to talk a bit in-depth about parts of Amber’s clique.
The Cast:
Abc – a decently strong hunter who tends to be snarky and look down on others. Throughout our first raid weeks the only times he commented outside his clique about our raids was to put us down in a sarcastic manner. He and I had directly butt heads a couple weeks earlier, but the week before he had been out on a personal emergency, which means I had a relaxed week. It also meant that he was behind everyone else on gear levels, which meant he was in a weaker position.
Allie/Carain/Ceony– a paladin healer. It’s possible she had a bad impression of me even before Syzygy technically formed. After, since Syzygy started raiding, up to this time period, she did not otherwise say much outside of her clique, though she was not really cooperative with the guild rules. She would arrive late, leave early, refuse to cooperate with split runs, or to go even a few minutes past raid time (she was the only reason that our times had to end when they did). She also seemed rather childish in her being upset when her holy paladin her friend performed better than she did, privately claiming he did so at her expense.
Amber – my main guild officer. She was an amazing guild officer to her previous guild, so I assumed if I ever got her on my side, she would be an amazing asset to my guild too. To that end, though I interacted with her far less than her clique did, when we did interact I would go out of my way to be considerate of her and try to see any of her actions in the most positive light I could. Unfortunately, trust issues evolved between us (starting from before Syzygy officially formed, and getting worse throughout the weeks of raid), and she rarely supported me and often agreed with her friends who looked down on me, or complained to them about me.
Isam – ranged dps officer. He had previously reached out to me when he saw how hard I was working, to try to help make things better, despite knowing his friends were complaining about how much I sucked. He was willing to see the positives in things (or at least in me), and worked to be helpful to me. His friendship with the clique could get in the way of his being objective though, as shown when he completely sided with Abc and was furious at Asterix, our tank officer, based purely off Abc’s recounting of the situation.
Judy – melee dps officer. A passionately supportive friend to those she liked. Since she joined, in order to help what she viewed as Amber’s guild succeed, she would often go above and beyond, recruiting for us behind the scenes and encouraging people to enjoy the place. Eventually, she came to like me very much too, and then her motivation to help our guild expanded to include me in that. She became one of my strongest emotional supporters, often reaching out to me to comfort me if she thought I was feeling down. A couple weeks ago she was unfriended by Abc, in large part because she did not take his side when he felt personally offended by myself and Asterix, our tank officer.
The Context:
Since I was not within their clique, my understanding of what happened is far from exhaustive. However, I was able to glean a good amount of information from various indirect sources, and I was also able to more fully understand the story as time went on. Normally, what goes on at a personal level between others is none of my business and not something I’m interested in. However, what happened between members of Amber’s clique directly affected my guild and myself in several ways over several months. As such, I no longer believe the parts of their story that relate to me requires me to be discreet.
The Story:
Remember, Amber’s clique had exerted a lot of influence in week 0 by telling us we were a disaster and dangling the possibility of quitting on us, thus forcing my hand and prematurely stopping split runs. Then in week 1, Abc flat out threatened to leave because he was unhappy with Asterix, and whipped their clique all up in fury over how he perceived he was treated. Then in week 2, Abc was away and we had a lot of progress, got a lot of gear and experience points, and the crazy recruitment I did before came into fruition so we now had tons of good raiders. So now, in the beginning of week 3, when Abc came back, he found himself in the unfortunate situation of being demonstrably weaker than most everyone else in the guild, and at the moment was more a liability than an asset. On top of that, he knew that he had treated me rudely, likely alienating me, the last time he and I had any contact.
During the first days of this week, I brought Abc into a couple easier bosses and we gave him gear, to help him start catching up. The second day, I did not bring him in to the harder boss that he wanted the most, since I was worried how well we would do and I did not want to bring any weaker players in. He was privately vocal about his fury at being sat to his clique, and at the moment Amber told me that even though she was much better geared than Abc she felt she would probably still perform worse than him and that I should sit her for him instead. I did not agree to this and we continued with Amber in, Abc out. At the time I had sincerely thought Abc would understand. A few weeks ago, when he was one of the stronger players and my friends from my erstwhile PUGs were the weaker players, he had told me, condescendingly, that anyone who was weak should be sat, that this should even include him if he were weak. For some reason, I thought that him being from a more competitive place meant that he fully bought into these values, and I actually did not think that when the time came and he really was weaker, he would hypocritically change his tune and not accept being sat. Either way, Abc’s being sat, accompanied with the knowledge he treated me badly before, seemed to make him feel that he was being slighted and that I was “punishing” him because I didn’t like him. Then the third day, we were back on our progression boss, and since he still was weaker I did not bring him in either. This likely cemented his feeling of being punished because I didn’t like him.
Now, Abc was never a particularly nice person to begin with, and with him likely stressed about his personal emergency the week before, and now with this growing dread of being punished and slighted by his raid leader, he seemed to start lashing out more than ever, towards the increasingly few people he could afford to lash out at. So it was that this week, beyond the regular disparagement of me, there was a lot of bullying especially of Judy within their clique. Snarky comments were thrown around about how she must be telling me about all the mean things they said about me, throwing around the idea that “Judy got her claws into the guild and that’s why bad things happen”. Lots of insinuations that she is not a loyal friend and that she was some sort of a…. what sort of animal “gets their claws into” something? A fox? A cat? I don’t personally find cats at all manipulative, and I don’t know much about foxes though.
Simultaneously, Abc started to secretly apply to other guilds, something that is looked down on in mythic WoW raiding (though not uncommon), because when people give their teams no warning that they are leaving, they essentially screw their guild over by taking away the gear and time the guild invested in them. It is done quite a lot, but most people who are at all ethical or considerate will give their guild a bit of time to prepare for them leaving by telling their guild as soon as they take any action to leave. A lot of people who are more respectful will also stay for an extra couple of weeks so that their old guild can have time to transition to not having them. But, since there is no legal requirement to hand in a two-week notice, most people leave a team as soon as their new team needs them, which is usually immediately. As such, the only way to be aboveboard and ethical is to keep your team in the loop as soon as you start actively looking for other guilds to join, and a lot of my raiders did that with me in the following years. It’s possible Abc felt the need to be underhanded in this manner because he interpreted his being sat as my cheating him of his entitled rights because I didn’t like him and was treating him unfairly. Unfortunately for him, I had enough of a network that guild leaders of some of the guilds he applied to reached out to me to check what was up, thereby informing me of this situation.
Abc’s assumption that I would hurt him by being unethical was part of the bigger picture of how Amber’s Clique behaved and a reflection of their values at the time. Before they came over, in their own guild Check Please, the culture had been one that allowed for more viciousness and bullying. Check Please had people in private Skype calls, where exclusivity was the name of the game, so they would meme and make fun of those outside the Skype calls. Amber was not included in these Skype calls, and was often the butt of mean-spirited jokes. Eventually, as those jokes spilled out into the public, she would be hurt and lose confidence in herself, and it was what ultimately led to her leaving. But once she and those she brought over joined us, they did their own private Skype call thing too, this time with Amber being one of clique members. Exclusivity was still the name of the game, and a good part of the calls were devoted towards demeaning and mocking me or others of Syzygy. The culture of these exclusive in-groups that enjoy belittling or complaining about those outside their group can easily foster secretiveness and a belief that others will also treat you badly and speak badly of you if given the chance. When you couple this with the fact that their clique had very quickly, over a couple weeks, lost a lot of power (because I had recruited so many good players, and they could no longer do something like kill or cripple us by being uncooperative), and that the members of the clique who were chosen to be my raid officers did not agree that I suck… suspicion and paranoia started entering the picture as well. Isam and Judy did not make their dislike of me clear like Amber did, so were they actually on my side? How did they get to be officers anyway, were they kissing up to me and selling out their friends? Amber, Abc, and Allie knew they said some pretty ugly and mean things in their private calls and chats about me, and now they were worried these things were being conveyed to me.
In truth, I knew very little about what they actually said of me at the time, but I knew very well it was happening. It was easy to realize they had their own exclusive in-group, and that they were using it as an echo chamber to complain about me and my guild. The complaints and phrases a person uses when their anger has been whipped up by an echo chamber have a specific signature to them. The confidence that whatever is upsetting them is definitely the problem of others tends to be at an unrealistically high level, compared to how they normally speak and behave. Some people deal better with this than others, but there is almost always a difference. I have seen this effect in all sorts of places, in real life, and in this game. But Amber’s Clique were worried that they had traitors in their midst, and now that they had less power, if I were told of how they denigrated me surely I would make them suffer consequences. This seemed further confirmed as I had sat Abc for a boss that he wanted that week, since they believed I could only know Abc was applying to other guilds and was saying shit about me if someone in their chat was telling me about it. This paranoia would only grow greater with time, and indeed by the time Isam rage quit the guild maybe a couple months later, the trigger was that he had forgotten he himself told me something and assumed that Judy had ‘ratted him out to me’. At this moment, however, the main suspicion was leveled against Isam and Judy, as they were my raid officers and weren’t as willing to think badly of me as the others preferred. So Amber’s Clique became clique-ier. They started to make smaller Skype chats that excluded Judy sometimes, Isam sometimes, and both at other times. The friendships were getting really strained, and several members of this clique started feeling torn between wanting to believe their friends would never betray them, and the suspicion (often justified) that they were telling whomever was being excluded the mean things being said about them. The atmosphere became so exclusive that gradually Amber started feeling like she could not be friendly with Judy without incurring Abc and Allie’s wrath. And Allie started to reach out to create a new clique with my healing officer Ultra (or to potentially draw him in to theirs), causing problems that would only start being clear in the coming weeks. The poison was intensifying and spreading.
By the time the weekend rolled around, they were working themselves into a frenzy over me and each other. They couldn’t stand me, believed that I was being enormously unfair to Abc, and still wanted to continue disparage me, but also were scared Isam or Judy would let me know, so they would make digs about how “walls have ears”, half-directly insinuating to Isam and Judy that they are not to be trusted. That week, I noticed some strangeness in Judy’s behavior during raid, and when I asked her over the weekend if she was ok, she mentioned that she had friends who were upset at her and that it hurt her so much it was difficult for her to behave and perform as she normally did during raid. This comment, coupled with some other comments I had seen from others in their clique, directly and indirectly, enabled me to guess that it was likely her WoW friends bullying and shunning her. At that moment, I felt I could strongly relate to her, I felt that we were both people who simply tried to do our best by others and never did anything that we felt could cause others needless harm. I worked my butt off to keep the guild together and make it good, and offer to others the best place I could give them. I always put my own feelings aside when making any leadership decisions, often sitting those I liked and were close to for stronger players who did not treat me particularly well at all. Judy, on her side, worked hard to also help us recruit, and whenever she reached out to me it was to give me the strength to continue, and was never to gossip or tell me about her friends’ private comments. But despite all our best intentions and lack of any maliciousness of vindictiveness, we were both demeaned by those like Abc and Allie, who never tried to lift a finger to help, who would only speak up when there was an opportunity to bring down morale, and seemed to have an outsized sense of confidence and entitlement that they deserved what they wanted and could behave any way they liked without ever considering how that could affect others or the team. At the time, I wanted to support Judy emotionally like she supported me, and I felt strongly about it as I told her that I believed that true friends do their best by each other no matter how upset they are over whatever disagreement they may have had. That if her friends were hurting her because they were upset at her, she should just stay true to herself by always doing her best by others, and that with time, smoke will clear and people will see that she is a sincere and honorable person, no matter what mistakes she may have made. I held myself to the same standards and operated with the same values, and using myself as an example I told her that I had made mistakes with Amber by hurting her when I did not give her complete trust when she wanted us to stop split runs. Therefore, I was going to be as sincere and honorable as I could be, and to avoid hurting her like that again I would keep my word by trusting her word that she does indeed always have my and the guild’s best interests at heart. I hoped that though Amber was likely upset at me before, with time she will see that despite any mistakes I may have made, I have always done my best by her, even if by doing so I was going to make myself emotionally vulnerable.
That night, I watched a speech Michelle Obama gave in support of Hillary Clinton. In that speech, she talked about how she believes in treating others with dignity and respect, and that she does not agree with those who disparage and degrade others. She expressed a faith that leadership should be about lifting others up, rather than pulling them down. She expressed a fear that too many people in the world simply shrug at behavior and talk that demeans others, instead of standing up to say that’s not ok, and supporting those who work hard to make things better for others. The reasons Michelle Obama gave for why she felt Hillary Clinton deserves support were grounded in character: we are told Hillary worked hard for decades in public service, that she never quits even when things get rough, that she puts her ego aside for what is needed to make things better for others. Oh, how that speech moved me. I felt like Michelle was talking about traits that I put my whole heart and soul into embodying. I felt like she was justifying my hard work, and though she could not see what I had done, she was speaking to me to tell me that she and those who believe in integrity and dignity would recognize how the behavior exhibited by many in Amber’s clique was disgraceful, and that I have good reason to hold my head up high. That week, despite being near my birthday, almost all of my time was spent on doing things to make the guild stronger. I spent hours studying and researching bosses; figuring out what the team needed and how to help the team improve; preparing for sales runs so we could make money for the team; talking to people to deal with issues and inspire them to do more; waking up in the middle of my night to do raid testing for the new raid coming out, so that I might better lead my team. All the while, many of Amber’s clique were focused on boosting their egos by belittling others, snapping at each other vindictively, creating nothing but drama and pain. I felt the difference keenly, and wanted Amber to realize it too, because at the time I believed that, after being bullied for so long, finally being in an in-group had gotten to her head, and she was going along with things that did not do justice to her true character and morals. Having been told that she was already a Hillary Clinton supporter, I posted this video to her, commenting about how moved I was, how I believe the leadership traits portrayed in it exemplified the type of leadership we should all aspire to.
It didn’t work, she didn’t respond to what I said at all. If anything, it probably just heightened her sense of being torn apart. During this weekend, her and her clique’s uncertainty and paranoia increased. By the end of the weekend, she just came to me to ask me why Abc had been sat during the earlier days of the week, was I really punishing him because I didn’t like him? If so I should be handling it in a more direct and honest manner. Was it because I thought he was going to leave? But no one knew except for their small group of friends, and when they chat privately it’s just to let off steam and though it may sound bad it didn’t mean anything. So if people in her group of friends were feeding me information, that was a problem. If none of these situations are true, why would I choose to sit him when she offered to give her spot to him for the boss that he wanted? Her gear was better but she was sure that his hunter will be stronger than her shaman even if his gear was worse. Now he’s definitely looking for another guild. No matter what though, I should talk to Abc to make sure he doesn’t feel like he’s being sat because of my personal prejudice, or if I plan to sit him more I should be aboveboard and tell him so he can feel more free and justified in finding another guild.
In what Amber wrote to me, I could see the contradictions, the obvious bias towards Abc and against me, the deep unfairness in believing her friend is entitled to behave underhandedly, while also believing I have the obligation to go above and beyond in being mature and considerate of others. But, I had made a promise to myself and to her: no matter what something looks like on the surface, or what Amber may say at any given time, I would trust her intentions were for the good of the guild. In previous situations, I also believed she wrote things that seemed full of contradictions and were deeply unfair to those outside her clique, and when I did not trust her intentions then, it only pushed her away. But I knew for a fact that she had the ability to hold an entire guild together, as she did with her previous guild before leaving, and I so badly wanted officers that had that strength and capability to be my pillars of support, I was willing to go against my better judgement and simply put my faith in her. So, I made myself suspend all disbelief, and simply replied to her various points, explaining that when Abc talked to me before, he was indeed rude to me, but that my personal liking or not of him had nothing to do with if he was sat or not (as evidenced by the fact that I had always also sat many people whom I demonstrably liked, and that I actually brought him in on other important bosses and gave him important gear). I also explained to her my reasoning for choosing to bring her in over him, how in my judgement a shaman is better for that boss than a hunter, and her better gear made for an even stronger argument to prefer her over him. I told her she should not sell herself short like that, believing herself to be weaker than someone whose gear was worse. Then, I told her that other guilds had contacted me about him applying to them, and with him looking to leave us with no warning, I now more strongly believe he should not be brought in over others, potentially taking gear away from members of the team. After that, Amber apologized to me on his behalf while continuing to make excuses for him, saying that he didn’t realize he had been rude to me before, that he felt he was just resolving an issue, that he is just a hot-headed person.
Later that day, we had a sales run. It is always difficult to get enough of the right people for a sales run, since though everyone wants the guild to pay for things, most people feel they are doing the guild a big favor by making the time and effort to fund it. However, Abc joined that run. Afterwards, he came to me to apologize for what happened before. He said he never meant to hurt me or make me uncomfortable when he spoke before, he just has a sarcastic personality. He also said that when he talks to his friends privately it’s just to vent, and that he had no interest in leaving the guild and had never applied to any other guild. I spoke to him bluntly, telling him that I believe that he brings negativity to our raids, and that he was indeed rude in our previous conversation. But I also told him that my personal feelings would not affect whether or not he is sat or given loot, the only consideration there is what is good for the guild, so I would primarily just consider his gear, performance, and likelihood of quitting on us or causing problems for us. Then, I told him that despite what happened before, I respected him for reaching out to me and being gracious and civil in his current apology and conversation with me, and also was grateful and favorably impressed with his willingness to help with the sales run especially when he was feeling so alienated from me and from the guild. Lastly, I told him that on his part he can consider if he wanted to stay because that meant he would have to avoid bringing negativity to the guild, and for my part, while I didn’t know him well enough to know if I could believe that he wouldn’t leave the guild anytime things don’t go his way, I would consider what he has told me, and would let him know if I decide I can no longer trust him or treat him as a member of our team. He answered saying he appreciated my talking to him and that he looked forward to our following raid nights.
Later that day, on 10/17/2016, I told Amber about my conversation with Abc, to keep her entirely in the loop of things. I made my thoughts about it clear, about how I was very unsure about him, but believed there must be parts of him that I simply hadn’t seen that made him deserving of Amber’s trust and liking. I also pointed out that something was off because he was either lying to me still, or lied to her before, about saying that he never had any interest in leaving our guild. I further said that I made clear to him that I don’t like the sort of venting that creates echo chambers where anger and negativity gets whipped up. Then I asked if she could give me her take on him, to help me better judge if he would continue causing problems for our guild, but that if she didn’t want to get in the middle of this since she’s so close to him, that was fine with me too. She did not write anything in response that night. Things were rapidly getting a lot worse for her, and she was feeling more and more torn apart. Isam had found out that the clique had been excluding him in even more private calls and chats, and was absolutely furious, likely because he probably figured they were bad mouthing him like they bad mouthed Judy when they excluded her. Their clique was, by this time, likely completely at each others’ throats, fully believing that others were trying to turn people against them, losing trust and friendship for each other almost completely.
The next day, Amber, my main officer, the person for whom I had spend hundreds of dollars, trusted against my best judgement, and made myself emotionally vulnerable for, all in order to earn her loyalty for my guild, told me she didn’t feel happy and had lost too many friends. So, that day, she jumped ship and quit the guild.
Lijiworld 