Since all the stuff happened, I hadn’t done any yoga at all. I used to do yoga daily, and though I would stop at times, the pauses never lasted for longer than half a week to a week. But this time has been about a month. I simply could not bring myself to do it.

And it wasn’t just yoga. I couldn’t bring myself to do most things. I couldn’t bring myself to eat, even. Loved ones in my life know of my situation, so they stayed with me, and for some time actually had to spoon feed me, since that was the only way to get me to eat. Indeed, when Syzygy had its first crisis, during our first raid week, I didn’t eat or sleep at all that week. Not until I had saved the guild. And this time was much more difficult because of all the baggage and trauma that I now carry, that I did not carry before.

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I have been numbing myself since all this happened. Either recruiting all the time I’m awake, or distracting myself with larger-world problems, or throwing myself into Big Bang theory or piano or something. All so I don’t have to think about things. It’s very dangerous for me right now to think about things, because once I start I cannot stop the pain. My therapist said it’s like most people have doors in their brains which open to emotions about any particular thing, and these doors open and shut as people move onto different thoughts. But when I open this particular door, I cannot close it, and the pain overwhelms me and I drown in it, unable to move on to thinking or feeling anything else.

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It has recently struck me how I am so scared to show too much of myself, even on this blog, because I worry about my mental health when trolls online come after me. I have also been struck by how many people have had their mental health seriously harmed by pseudo-strangers, from various people online to government officials to celebrities such as Naomi Osaka. And it has struck me how often I have been told and how much I have believed that if I choose to be a leader in a WoW guild, it is on me to be able to handle the fact that people will often be hurtful to me.

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Without even noticing it, the fabric of our world has drastically changed. Most used to live just within their own circles, know their friends and families and acquaintances, and only kind of know about the rest of the world through non-interactive sources like TVs and newspapers and such. Most used to spend almost all their time in their own country or city or whatever, and quick travel between countries was expensive and relatively rare. We used to be a much less connected world, both physically and mentally, much more wrapped up just in our own lives with people that we knew well. So we just really needed to take care of ourselves and our people, and that was enough. Or that is what our parents or mentors taught us.

But the world is different now.

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Since our crisis, I have been non-stop busy. Busy in my actions but also busy in my mind. Going over all sorts of recruitment posts, sending messages to maybe 100 people by now, over the course of a few days, and holding all the information in my head. Which recruits would be better? What was my discussion with which one like? Did I remember to tell each one all the relevant information? Did I communicate all my findings to shandare? Have I set up times for interviews with him? What classes do we need now again? Is anyone going to flake, should I have looked more into one class or did I look too much into another?

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I’m suddenly realizing that there may be a cure for me out there, one that I didn’t realize before. So I know my trauma stems from feeling I can’t stand seeing instances of people attacking those who work hard and go beyond for others. I also can’t stand seeing instances of selfishness. I think selfishness that results in wantonly hurting others is one of the ugliest things in humanity. And I am uber sensitive about it.

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When several people suddenly stop raiding, either the raid falls apart (which happens most times), or there are people who need to put in Herculean efforts to make things work, by doing enormous amounts of recruitment. I have done this, and I know many other guild leaders who have done it too.

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I think I’ve been portrayed as a highly emotional and unreasonable person. That because of my trauma I cannot take any criticism at all. Therefore I don’t have it in me to be a good leader.

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I want to die so badly.

But all those people who care about me would be hurt by my suicide. They are innocent in everything, the hurt that I experience now was not at all caused by them. I cannot bring myself to hurt them through my actions.

But I want to die. I wish I could die.

It was such a big mistake to allow people to learn to care about me and love me. This is now tying me down to a world I really want to leave.

What can I do. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt innocent people who have only been good to me. But I don’t want to be in this world, watching my baby, my guild, tortured and dying, knowing it will soon be dead.

I know it’s a game. But hundreds of people have been in this guild, and I have put my everything into governing them for years of my life. It’s a game, but the people are human beings. They are human beings. I have never thought of my community as just a game. I have always thought of it as people who place their trust in me and whom I MUST do well by. And now this place, with all my memories, all the results of my effort, is just about dead. And I know it’s a game, but I am dying too.