I have recently mainly been writing about the stuff that upsets me, regarding WoW. But that is not to say there isn’t stuff that fulfills me and makes me happy. Recently I have been raiding with the guild more, despite not being able to make all raid times. And it’s been delightful. I’ve enjoyed the raiding in itself, enjoyed feeling that I performed well, and most of all enjoyed the feeling that I can actively bring more positivity and sense of camaraderie to the team, through how I talk and what I say.

It feels that some of the hard work I put into making my characters more powerful and able to become assets have paid off.

However, doing more raiding means spending yet more time in game. It also means I’m closer to people in guild, and more aware of any underlying issues I had been shielded from before. It means more time spent playing the game, more time talking to people. But what has been the biggest thing recently, is the extra time I now spend on recruiting.

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It feels like when I remember the feelings I had when I was the leader of Syzygy, the stress, the lack of support, the unending criticism, the grueling daily work with no reward, the gradual suspicion and eventual certainty that I am a terrible leader and human being who doesn’t deserve to exist in this world…. this triggers a heightened awareness, a constant fight or flight state of mind.

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I was talking to one of my old raiders today, and they mentioned how we were a great guild before, rank-wise. They said we were US top 100 for our first three raids, and likely we were. Then they said that Syzygy fell afterwards, likely because the weekend team was started. This upset me beyond reason, and I’m trying to unpack why I’m so upset.

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When you just feel useless. Can’t do anything well enough. In many ways, a burden. And a stupid one at that because you put yourself in this position. Something about a video game really brings that out. It feels like there is much less gray area. Either you carry others, or you’re carried. And there are days when you feel like you simply are not good enough to be of any use at all.

Well maybe not you. But I do.

I bought another month in WoW. I guess this means I’ve decided to really return.

Much of the last month was spent in trying to learn how to take things slow and learn to enjoy myself in WoW again. It feels like the most counter-intuitive thing I’ve ever done. All my life I have approached my goals with a single-minded intensity, giving 200% of myself to over-achieve. So there are only two types of feelings I’m used to having with regard to my projects: effective work or procrastination. Either I was finding a way to solve a problem, or solving it, or being lazy and procrastinating. Even resting in the past was a form of problem-solving, because it was done purely to be able to continue tackling challenges.

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One of my old raiders gave me the new expansion as a Christmas gift. I was so moved and honored by the gesture that I made the mistake of accepting it on Christmas Day, caught up with the symbolism of that day. Once accepted, it started a 30 day timer of free gameplay, and then of course I couldn’t let that go to waste. Right?

Now, I have never really completely left. Last expansion I started to gradually realize what an amazing and dedicated raid leader Shandare is, and that motivated me to want to help him, and so from time to time in the last few years I have been watching Syzygy’s raids, and discussing raid strategies and leadership approaches with him. Though at times we would spend hours discussing things, pouring over logs and videos, etc., it had always been pretty casual for me. This was, in part, also because my main window into what was happening was through Shandare, and he (and the rest of the leadership) were aware of my fragility and have always insulated me from any drama or negativity. So though I had never left, I never was so much in the loop of things that it would cause me any pain.

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I have been thinking about my lack of motivation a lot recently. Why is it that every difficulty I encounter becomes an obstacle, saps my energy, resulting in the years-long stagnation of my life? Why do I lose motivation so damn easily? I’ve been part of a project lately, and though I was motivated at the start, when some difficulties started cropping up, I immediately lost all motivation to deal with it.

I was afraid it was a weakness in my character, some inherent laziness or lack of grit. But recently I’ve been reminded of the years before I created Syzygy, when I was so deliriously happy and fulfilled every day, my friends asked what drug I was on. And I realized, during those years I would encounter very similar difficulties to the ones I encounter now, and I never even thought of them as obstacles. Like, the word never entered my mind. Those difficulties were, at that time, another reason to be excited for tomorrow, since I knew the work I put in today meant the difficulties would lessen a bit tomorrow, and it could only continue to get better, day by day. They were another opportunity for me to feel good about myself, because the fact that I was having difficulties meant I was imperfect, which meant I had leeway to improve, and my improvement was something in which I could draw pride.

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It’s been a year since I’ve published anything huh. Not much significant had happened in my life this year that related directly to my life in WoW.

Until today. Continue reading →

For years, I have mainly been sleeping curled up in the fetal position. My shoulders would curl in, attempting to make my upper body a little round ball, and I would take comfort in the closeness of everything, the feeling that I was embracing myself. This has been going on long enough that I have creases in my skin on the insides of my shoulders and along my collarbones. Not very noticeable traces, but enough so to be a badge for how I sleep. Continue reading →

I’ve been much preoccupied lately with a particular theory in psychology. I heard about it on a podcast, and my understanding of it is as follows:

Human behavior is not influenced by people’s personalities nearly as much as we think. The same person, in different situations, may act in completely different ways: e.g. the same person may be selflessly honest in one situation yet deceitful in another with the same stakes. A “good” person, put in certain situations, may act completely immorally. Famous experiments such as the Stanford prison experiment support this. Situation can affect human behavior at times more than personality.

However, yet another factor exists: the mind’s perception of the world. This can be illustrated by the famous “marshmallow experiment”: you put a marshmallow in front of a toddler and tell them you will leave the room, and if they can not eat that marshmallow until you come back, they get two instead. It was widely understood to be a measure for whether or not the child’s personality is one that could resist the temptation of instant gratification, but in truth the experiment had a second stage: researchers would tell children beforehand they could imagine that the marshmallow was just a picture and not real — the result was that the same child who could not resist instant gratification for a few minutes could now wait 15 minutes or more. So that’s different behavior in the same person, with the same personality, in the same situation.

The three layers that affect human behavior are thus: personality, situation, perception. Continue reading →