I fell into depression again yesterday, and was vaguely having suicidal thoughts again. So I didn’t end up going online to deal with things. But I set my alarm clock for 6 am this morning to wake up early enough to deal with issues. The first issue, one that Deline and I think maybe fluffed and others have been complaining about for a long long time was getting a new music bot for our discord. When I woke up I checked what the guild officers had told me, and they had said they need administrator privileges to be able to add the bot they decided on. As Trihara had accidentally closed off key channels as administrator before, I had made it so no other person is administrator, even the officers, to prevent less human error. So I went to deal with the music bot, even though I have always felt this is low priority, but I also felt it was triggering Deline and contributing to why he was acting out and creating drama.

It took an hour to figure things out, and I had to test it a bit in the music channel. When it was done, I found that krotos had left me a message “not responding to anything that was brought up but then commenting often in the bot channel doesnt come off well”. I was literally confused at first because I don’t remember normally commenting on anything at all in the bot channel, though I did type some random short responses to things ppl mentioned while I was setting up the music bot. Apparently, “there are a lot of issues in the guild, lack of a leadership figure hurts these issues”. Little things like this really hurt me. Since before this tier started I’ve spent all my time outside of real life commitments and rest and sleep time doing things for this guild and this raid. It has made me depressed and suicidal doing all this stuff and having people tell me things like what krotos said, sometimes in a gang bang fashion where 20 people all listen in and take turns telling me what I do badly, even if it contradicts what others say. And I’m trying everything I can to hold myself together, and I wake up at 6 am to deal with issues, and because the first one I dealt with was the music bot (which imo is part of what caused the drama krotos was talking about, only maybe he doesn’t realize it), I’m told sarcastically in public “glad we got the important stuff sorted”, and then “was sarcasm”, and then privately told the above things, about my lack of leadership. It’s just a little thing, and I should not letit get to me, as he’s obviously only saying things from his PoV and not caring if they hurt me. But who knows if he will influence his friends who are my officers? Who knows if he’s complaining to others and making them believe that I lack leadership? I’ve had enough experience in here that I know everyone thinks I’m great but when they’re upset at stuff they’re only going to focus on my failings and allow that to become their judgement of me. And this situation is only one in a sea of things. All little things, all causing me to worry, all maybe not a big deal until they are. And emotionally and mentally, these little things add up for me. And that I allow it to do so is what makes me think that I’m not a good leader at all.